2/21/05
THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF AIRPORT "SECURITY"
3 PAGES

I'm sitting in the food court at the Denver International Airport where I've finally hit my breaking point with airport security. This is something I've kind of mocked and poked fun at here and there over the last couple years, but they've finally pushed me to the point where I feel the need to write a formal grievance… in blog form.

I know that since September 11, things are different. I know that had the security measures that we have today been in place back then, the terrorists would never have been able to get the box cutters that they held their planes captive with on board. So I understand the fact that we can no longer allow people to bring knifes and hammers and large knitting needles and any other inherently deadly "weapon" on board. But I still remember how incredulous I felt a couple years ago flying back from a job in Jacksonville, Florida when my needle-nose pliers were confiscated at the security gate. They were only in my backpack because I had forgotten to take them out, and normally I WOULD have packed them in my checked baggage, so that was my bad. But come on now. Pliers? PLIERS? Yes, I realize that they are made of metal and kind of have a point at the end that I could conceivably stab somebody with, but honestly, I could do more damage with my laptop computer. I'm sure I could bludgeon somebody to death with that before I could stab somebody to death with pliers. So why take the pliers and not the laptop?

But whatever, that was just a minor annoyance. I've seen ladies have their tiny sewing scissors confiscated, which is way more ridiculous than having my pliers taken away. How many times would you have to stab somebody with a pair of inch-long scissors before they handed over the controls of the plane? Probably a lot more than if you used a pen or pencil which are both perfectly legal to take on board.

But I'm getting off track here. My real beef really isn't with the increased security. I'm not all that annoyed that they're forgoing common sense when it comes to the way they determine what is a lethal object and what is not. Although honestly, I firmly believe that all the metal detectors in the world won't help a bit when somebody who doesn't care if they die wants to hijack a plane. My prediction: someday in the near future, they're just going to load about 20 of their guys on one plane and take control by sheer force of numbers. Who needs box cutters when you have several million fanatics who consider their lives forfeit in the name of jihad? All the metal detectors in the world can't protect you against something like that. And as long as you're doing "random" searches of blue-haired old ladies and ten-year-old kids wearing Mickey Mouse ears, you're never going to be able to protect us from the people who really want to hurt us.

But again, back on track. Like I said, that isn't my real beef with airport security. The thing that really hacks me off is that all of it is just a sham, an empty promise, an illusion of security, nothing more. I like to quote the all time great critic of the airline industry, George Carlin, who said in a 1999 routine that airport security exists for only one reason: "To make white people feel safe." It's true. They may complain about how long it takes to get through the checkpoints, they may complain about having to get to the airport two hours early, but when all is said and done, every single one of them will admit, "Well it makes me feel good to know they're being cautious."

But are they? Are they really? Cautious? Sure, maybe at some airports. But the thing is, the more you fly, the more airports you go into and out of, the more you realize how inconsistent airline security really is. I flew from Philadelphia to Los Angels with my hiking backpack full of camping gear… including a waterproof container full of matches with no problem. But as I came through LAX on my way back, after sending my bag through an extra set of x-rays, they asked me to remove my matches from the bag. In and of itself, I would have had no problem with that request. Sure, I get it, they could ignite underneath and start a fire. But why was it only a risk when I was flying out of LAX? Shouldn't it have been a risk flying out of Philadelphia too?

In some airports, regardless of national alert levels, they have the metal detectors turned up so high that the zipper in your pants sets it off. In others, I can walk through with my keys AND my sunglasses AND my cell phone, and nary a beep happens. Plus, like I said before, they'll confiscate a harmless pair of sewing scissors because they have a pointy tip, yet they'll allow a heavy blunt object like a laptop. Again, "to make white people feel safe." If you told a white man in a business suit that he couldn't bring a laptop on board, the issue would go straight up the corporate ladder to the men who hold the president's marionette strings… any president, not just the current one.

And SHOES! Man, what is the recent obsession with SHOES? I know there was one guy right after September 11 who tried to conceal plastic explosive or something in the sole of his shoes, so now apparently that's a concern. But again, why do some airports only require people with boots, sandals and other types of shoes containing metal to send them through the conveyer belt, while others (like the one I just came through) require EVERYBODY to take off their shoes? First of all, explosives don't make the metal detector beep, so really if they're worried about a shoe bomb, they SHOULD be making everybody take their shoes off so they can look for hollowed out compartments inside. But again, it even changes within the same airport. Sometimes Philly makes me take off my sneakers and sometimes they don't. Am I, or anybody else in Nike's, LESS of a risk from one day to another that they would be inconsistent like that?

What really set me off today is that the TSA agent at the checkpoint said they were "Recommending that everybody take their shoes off." I assumed it was just because they had the metal detectors jacked up so high that the slightest metal would set them off. So I just said, "Can I give it a try?" and walked through the detector. No beep. But the scowling agent gruffly told me to walk over to a mini-hallway made out of bulletproof glass and told me to wait there. After a couple minutes another scowling agent opened the door and told me to walk over to a chair and sit down. Then she ordered me to take off my shoes so she could run them through the conveyor. Then another agent (this one actually rather courteous) spent three minutes sweeping me with a metal-detecting baton and then proceeded to pat me down.

Okay first of all, if you're REQUIRING everybody to take their shoes off, just frickin' say that. Don't say you're RECOMMENDING it if you're just going to make me do it no matter what. Secondly, how does my not wanting to take my shoes off affect what I might or might not be carrying on the rest of my person? Had I just gone along with the game and taken my shoes off, I wouldn't have had to gone through the extra sweep and pat down. So if I was carrying something that the initial metal detector wouldn't have caught but the baton and pat down would have, I COULD HAVE gotten through with it… had I played by their unwritten rules. I could have taped a wooden stake to my chest and, as long as I took my shoes off, I could have gotten on the plane with it, no questions asked. So I can't help but wonder if this little dance at the security gate was really about security, or was it just a mind game used to make an example of somebody who wouldn't play by their rules.

In that same 1999 routine, George Carlin said that airport security is "just another way of reducing your liberty, and reminding you that they can fuck with you whenever they want." I never truly believed that until today. People are so scared that they'll do anything to feel safe, even if it's just a false illusion of security. And the government knows that. Again, I'm not referring to just the current administration. Every ruling class has known how to control the "ignorant masses" by playing on their fears. And this little charade at the security gate was just another, albeit small, manifestation of that. Basically, "Play by our rules, or we'll MAKE YOU play by them."

I want to reiterate that I really have no problem with airport security in and of itself. I honestly didn't even hold it again the scowling TSA agents who took an extra five minutes out of my day. I know they're just doing their job and I don't begrudge them that - though I do believe there are some people who use that position to overcome some latent high school angst and make themselves feel like authority figures. But until they are prepared to do what is truly necessary to keep airplanes safe, and do it CONSISTENTLY, then everything we have to put up with at the airport is nothing more than a bunch of marshmallow fluff and smoke that only accomplishes two things:

1) Driving up the cost of tickets

and

2) Making white people FEEL safe.