10/9/00
PEACEFUL EASY FEELING
1 PAGE

In the words of the Eagles, "I got a peacful easy feelin'." I don't know why. I'm just completely at ease and at peace with the world and with myself. No worries, no fears, no sadness, no gnawing feelings. Just letting the beauty of life flow through me. It's such a sudden and wonderful thing. I'm just seeing so much beauty and leeting it flow through me. Not trying to hold too tight to any one thing. Just being. I noticed it after going to see ALMOST FAMOUS. The movie itself wasn't all that spectacular, but Kate Hudson's character just reeled me in. The whole movie she just has this look of utter serenity on her face and it shows through in every single action she makes. Every step, every dance, every smile, every word shows just how in love with being alive she is. It's infectious I guess.

I think a lot of this too is delayed reactions from some of the things we said talked about in the desert. Once again you were able to voice things taht have been in my head either buried or right on the surface afraid to come out. Things that nobody else could conceive of understanding, you not only get, but get enough to put into words. Things like how you pray, giving thanks for every moment of your life. Thanks for all the beauty that god has created to show us. And hte only things that you generally ask for are simply strength. STrength to be able to accomplish all that you set out to do. My god Laura, you voiced exactly, EXACTLY the way I pray and think praying should be. Not a bunch of rehearsed prayers. And NOT just a bunch of whining to god, to a friend asking for more and more stuff without giving thanks, genuine thanks for what you've been given.

Things like the nature of love. You said something to the effect of Love is one word with many meanings and many degrees. There's not just love like a friend, love like a girlfriend, love like a lover, love like a wife. There are so many things it can mean. And one isn't better or worse than the other. And it does change and fit into the frame of mind you are on. It doesn't mean it's lessened or gone away. it just means that it IS... it IS... only it's being in THIS paradigm as opposed to that paradigm that it was just in.

I went to this burrito place in Burbank after the movie, ordered the best burrito in the world and sat down and re-read over the journal entry I made the week I had my last paradigm shift. I was tearing myself up even just a month ago over realizing that I'm full of shit. But you made me see that it's all okay. I'll never have it all figured out. But that's a good thing because figuring it all out means you have nothing left to discover. The first line of "I hope you Dance" says it all: "I hope you never lose your sense of wonder." God, how profound that simple line is. If you don't really step back and take that in, it can just seem like a regular line. Just like "yeah yeah yeah, don't lose your sense of wonder." It's kind of a bleeding heart line. It's kind of sappy. Kind of cliche. Kind of hippy. Kind of.... It's all these things if you're cynical.

But that's not even it, because I am very cynical by nature. So why is it that I can respond to a song like "I Hope you Dance" when normally I would say "oh that's the kind of song that horomonally imbalanced highschool kids with their emotions running wild and unchecked would respond to." How is it that this song doesn't strike me as overly gratuitously meaningfull? I don't know. Maybe it's like what I tell people, that "I'm cynical, but not jaded." Do jaded pepole have a sense of wonder? No. That's why they're jaded. They can't see anything through the eyes of a child. They think they need to be suspicious and grown-up about everything. They're just trying to master their misery. They have no time for new discoveries. Becuase that means tackling challenges that they don't understand.

What was my point in all of this? I don't think I had a point. I'm just happy to be alive. "I'm thankful for every single moment of my stupid little life." Maybe this is that point in the poem "Footsteps" where god is carrying me. I should be scared shitless. I have been for the last couple months. I should be worrying. But for at least this moment, i"m not. I'm just happy to be me. To be here. To be doing what I'm doing. I'm too at peace to even think about fear or worry. It's an amazing feeling. I love you in such an amazing and profound sense.

Love me.