LISTS

THE "MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS" ARCHIVE

Hey Guess What - Brian Hodges

12/17/06
Most people don't realize it, but there's actually a difference between "redneck" and "white trash." Redneck really has to do with WHERE you live. White trash, on the other hand, is all about HOW you live.

10/23/06
Remember when "Girls Gone Wild" was all about girls showing their boobs? Have you seen the commercials these days? It's more like "Producers Gone Apeshit with Gimmicks". When did boobs cease being enough for us?

7/2/06
If "meat is murder" why isn't PETA rounding up all the lions of the world and force-feeding them gazelle-flavored soy burgers?

6/20//06
If a grown woman hollers "WOO HOO!" at a bunch of young girls in bathing suits, it's fairly harmless and the kind of thing the other adults at the pool smile and laugh at. Now if a man hollers "WOO HOO!" at a bunch of boys in bathing suits, it makes the other adults at the pool give each other a weird look and go check the sex offenders registry as soon as possible.

4/28/06
Ever notice how stupid every book seems when you read a single out-of-context paragraph over somebody's shoulder on an airplane?

4/4/06
One would describe the BARK of a tree as "ROUGH". And when a dog BARKS, he says... "RUFF".
Weird.

3/16/06
Is it "sufficed to say" or "suffice IT to say"?

2/8/06
Does it bother anybody else that people used to go on American Idol in the hopes that they would be so GOOD that they would become famous, and now they go on hoping to be so BAD that they sign a record deal?

2/1/06
The British and French flags must be really annoyed with the American flag. After all, THEY were here first. Why does the AMERICAN flag get to be "The Red, White and Blue"?

1/15/06
I can't tell you how happy I am that New York didn't win its bid for the Olympics. Don't they realize how bad the traffic is NOW?

1/8/06
If a personal check can bounce on the same day it's cashed, why can't a corporate paycheck be credited to your account on the same day it's deposited?

12/29/05
Who was the first guy to drink french toast batter and realize it would make a festive drink around the holidays... and how young did he die?

8/1/05
If you had a knife that was infinitely sharp, couldn't you, in theory, cut a hole in something without ever touching it?

7/17/05
I find it physically and mentally impossible to use the word "mice" to describe the plural version of that thing that sits on your desk next to your keyboard. In that context, I can only say "mouses." Is that grammatically incorrect?

7/11/05
I don't understand guys who wear shorts, sneakers and a tanktop with the tanktop tucked in. I think once you actually put on a tank and shorts, you've forgone any degree of formality. Tucking the shirt in isn't fooling anybody.

6/25/05
Can rock groups please stop putting police siren sound effects in their music? You're screwing me up on the road.

4/24/05
So let me get this straight... if I'm a rotten horrible parent and I raise rotten horrible kids, Nanny 911 will send me on a cruise?

2/22/05
Now that you can't get into the airport terminal without a ticket, what is the point of the terminal having an entire bank of monitors with "Arriving Flights"? Everybody in there is either departing, or has just arrived and already knows what time and gate their plane arrived at.

2/13/05
How is it possible that I hardly ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond, yet on the rare occasions when I do, it's an episode I've already seen?

2/7/05
What's the point of driving around for a half-hour looking for a parking spot that's twenty feet closer to the mall when you're probably going to end up walking more than a mile once you get inside anyway?

2/1/05
My wife actually came up with this one:
Description of Purgatory: It's basically just like Hell, only not as hot and the seats have cushions.

12/31/04
This world would be a much better place if people everywhere realized that becoming a parent only makes you an expert on YOUR OWN kid... not mine.

12/13/04
Did you know that until relatively recently, this country had no income tax?

12/2/04
It's amazing how two people can affect the world in exactly the same way, but for completely different reasons. Kermit the Frog and Adolf Hitler have pretty much destroyed any chance that their respective first names will ever be used again as long as this planet exists.

10/25/04
My current favorite rock lyric of all time: "I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's... and his hair was perfect." -Warren Zevon

10/15/04
I don't need everybody to agree with everything I believe. How boring would that be? I just want enough people on my side so I can gang up and make fun of everybody else who disagrees with me.

9/10/04
Every news outlet in the country must have been praying that Hurricane Ivan turned out to be a really bad nasty storm just so they could paste the heading "Ivan the Terrible" over their story. That name is just too good to waste on a category-two hurricane isn't it?

9/5/04
Call me shallow, but somehow I just have a lot of trouble respecting a man who owns more than one Celine Dion CD.

8/13/04
I laugh every time I hear some Olympic athlete start waxing nostalgic about competing back in Athens, "where it all started." Am I the only person on earth who remembers reading that the original Olympics were intended to be nothing more than a big naked mixer for gay men?

7/27/04
If everyone on earth lived out the rest of their lives and never heard the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" ever again, would it really be so bad?

7/13/04
How could anybody ever possibly outgrow chocolate milk?

7/7/04
Chalk this one up to too much Carlin in my diet, but I've about had it with flight attendants who tell me to make sure my cell phone and laptop are "placed in the off position." You mean... TURNED OFF?

6/29/04
People who drive SUV's without scratches, dents, mud splatters or enough trunk space to fit a recliner reliquinsh their right to complain about gas prices. So shut up.

6/16/04
Can somebody please explain to me what Tom Petty's "American Girl" is about? I've been listening to the song for over a decade now and I can't figure it out. Does the girl die? Does her car go over a cliff? What memory exactly is the guy "creeping back from"?

6/4/04
Dehydrated umbillical cord could rival diamond and titanium as the most indestructible substance on earth.

5/9/04
American Idol finally acknowledged, or at least made no attempts to cover, the inherent flaw with their show a few weeks ago when they brought BARRY MANILOW on as a guest judge.

5/1/04
It amazes me how my boss, a man who has only witnessed the birth of his two children, can debate my wife, a midwife and three-year labor-delivery nurse, on the birthing process. She's been present at over 300 births compared to his two - and somehow he still has the confidence to stand there and tell her she's wrong.

4/25/04
When will the classic rock stations finally realize that they don't have to play "We Are the Champions" whenever they play "We Will Rock You"? They really ARE two different songs ya know.

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		LISTS THE "MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS" ARCHIVE Hey Guess What - Brian Hodges
	12/17/06 Most people don't realize it, but there's actually a difference between "redneck" and "white trash." Redneck really has to do with WHERE you live. White trash, on the other hand, is all about HOW you live. 10/23/06 Remember when "Girls Gone Wild" was all about girls showing their boobs? Have you seen the commercials these days? It's more like "Producers Gone Apeshit with Gimmicks". When did boobs cease being enough for us? 7/2/06 If "meat is murder" why isn't PETA rounding up all the lions of the world and force-feeding them gazelle-flavored soy burgers? 6/20//06 If a grown woman hollers "WOO HOO!" at a bunch of young girls in bathing suits, it's fairly harmless and the kind of thing the other adults at the pool smile and laugh at. Now if a man hollers "WOO HOO!" at a bunch of boys in bathing suits, it makes the other adults at the pool give each other a weird look and go check the sex offenders registry as soon as possible. 4/28/06 Ever notice how stupid every book seems when you read a single out-of-context paragraph over somebody's shoulder on an airplane? 4/4/06 One would describe the BARK of a tree as "ROUGH". And when a dog BARKS, he says... "RUFF". Weird. 3/16/06 Is it "sufficed to say" or "suffice IT to say"? 2/8/06 Does it bother anybody else that people used to go on American Idol in the hopes that they would be so GOOD that they would become famous, and now they go on hoping to be so BAD that they sign a record deal? 2/1/06 The British and French flags must be really annoyed with the American flag. After all, THEY were here first. Why does the AMERICAN flag get to be "The Red, White and Blue"? 1/15/06 I can't tell you how happy I am that New York didn't win its bid for the Olympics. Don't they realize how bad the traffic is NOW? 1/8/06 If a personal check can bounce on the same day it's cashed, why can't a corporate paycheck be credited to your account on the same day it's deposited? 12/29/05 Who was the first guy to drink french toast batter and realize it would make a festive drink around the holidays... and how young did he die? 8/1/05 If you had a knife that was infinitely sharp, couldn't you, in theory, cut a hole in something without ever touching it? 7/17/05 I find it physically and mentally impossible to use the word "mice" to describe the plural version of that thing that sits on your desk next to your keyboard. In that context, I can only say "mouses." Is that grammatically incorrect? 7/11/05 I don't understand guys who wear shorts, sneakers and a tanktop with the tanktop tucked in. I think once you actually put on a tank and shorts, you've forgone any degree of formality. Tucking the shirt in isn't fooling anybody. 6/25/05 Can rock groups please stop putting police siren sound effects in their music? You're screwing me up on the road. 4/24/05 So let me get this straight... if I'm a rotten horrible parent and I raise rotten horrible kids, Nanny 911 will send me on a cruise? 2/22/05 Now that you can't get into the airport terminal without a ticket, what is the point of the terminal having an entire bank of monitors with "Arriving Flights"? Everybody in there is either departing, or has just arrived and already knows what time and gate their plane arrived at. 2/13/05 How is it possible that I hardly ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond, yet on the rare occasions when I do, it's an episode I've already seen? 2/7/05 What's the point of driving around for a half-hour looking for a parking spot that's twenty feet closer to the mall when you're probably going to end up walking more than a mile once you get inside anyway? 2/1/05 My wife actually came up with this one: Description of Purgatory: It's basically just like Hell, only not as hot and the seats have cushions. 12/31/04 This world would be a much better place if people everywhere realized that becoming a parent only makes you an expert on YOUR OWN kid... not mine. 12/13/04 Did you know that until relatively recently, this country had no income tax? 12/2/04 It's amazing how two people can affect the world in exactly the same way, but for completely different reasons. Kermit the Frog and Adolf Hitler have pretty much destroyed any chance that their respective first names will ever be used again as long as this planet exists. 10/25/04 My current favorite rock lyric of all time: "I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's... and his hair was perfect." -Warren Zevon 10/15/04 I don't need everybody to agree with everything I believe. How boring would that be? I just want enough people on my side so I can gang up and make fun of everybody else who disagrees with me. 9/10/04 Every news outlet in the country must have been praying that Hurricane Ivan turned out to be a really bad nasty storm just so they could paste the heading "Ivan the Terrible" over their story. That name is just too good to waste on a category-two hurricane isn't it? 9/5/04 Call me shallow, but somehow I just have a lot of trouble respecting a man who owns more than one Celine Dion CD. 8/13/04 I laugh every time I hear some Olympic athlete start waxing nostalgic about competing back in Athens, "where it all started." Am I the only person on earth who remembers reading that the original Olympics were intended to be nothing more than a big naked mixer for gay men? 7/27/04 If everyone on earth lived out the rest of their lives and never heard the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" ever again, would it really be so bad? 7/13/04 How could anybody ever possibly outgrow chocolate milk? 7/7/04 Chalk this one up to too much Carlin in my diet, but I've about had it with flight attendants who tell me to make sure my cell phone and laptop are "placed in the off position." You mean... TURNED OFF? 6/29/04 People who drive SUV's without scratches, dents, mud splatters or enough trunk space to fit a recliner reliquinsh their right to complain about gas prices. So shut up. 6/16/04 Can somebody please explain to me what Tom Petty's "American Girl" is about? I've been listening to the song for over a decade now and I can't figure it out. Does the girl die? Does her car go over a cliff? What memory exactly is the guy "creeping back from"? 6/4/04 Dehydrated umbillical cord could rival diamond and titanium as the most indestructible substance on earth. 5/9/04 American Idol finally acknowledged, or at least made no attempts to cover, the inherent flaw with their show a few weeks ago when they brought BARRY MANILOW on as a guest judge. 5/1/04 It amazes me how my boss, a man who has only witnessed the birth of his two children, can debate my wife, a midwife and three-year labor-delivery nurse, on the birthing process. She's been present at over 300 births compared to his two - and somehow he still has the confidence to stand there and tell her she's wrong. 4/25/04 When will the classic rock stations finally realize that they don't have to play "We Are the Champions" whenever they play "We Will Rock You"? They really ARE two different songs ya know.

HOME - HUMOR COLUMN - WHAT'S NEW - ROAD TRIP - ESSAYS - BLOG - LISTS - ABOUT ME - LINKS - E-MAIL


© 2003 BRIAN HODGES