© 2003 Brian Hodges - Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

’m afraid I must inform you all of a conspiracy happening right in front of your very eyes. Lately, people who oppose war in Iraq have been saying that America is a big joke, a laughingstock to the world. It’s no coincidence that one of the loudest anti-war voices in the world has been the country of France. I once thought these to be entirely separate matters, but now I know that they are not. It’s time to acknowledge what we are all too afraid to say.

The escalating conflict with Iraq has been perpetrated, not by the United States, but by France so as to take the spotlight off of itself as the silliest country on the face of the earth.

It’s no wonder, really. No one people have been fodder for more jokes, jibes and comedy sketches than the French. One can understand, if not condone, why France would go to such great lengths to try and hang that albatross around somebody else’s neck. But I do not wish to see any lives needlessly lost to a frivolous war. So, to set the record straight and get the world back on track, I present twelve reminders of how it is the French, not the Americans who are the biggest joke on Earth.

1) The Language. People say that French is the language of love. Of romance. Yet their word for "yes" is our word for "urinate." Especially when said twice the way they’re prone to doing. <<Oui-oui!>> Tee hee!

2) That <<Frenschy Frenschman ac-CENT>>. What is that pompous sound all about? Rattling their "R" sounds. Drawing out their "J" sounds. Never pronouncing the last quarter of any word. <<Allo, Jjjjjaque. Let us r-t-r-t-r-t-r-endezvou(s) at the Louv(re) s’i(l) vou(s) pla(it).>>

3) Escargot, Frogs Legs, Caviar and Truffles. Let’s take slimy animals, fish spawn, and fungus that grows on trees, call them "delicacies", then laugh all the way to the bank. <<Auh hauh hauh!>>

4) Portion Size. Listen <<Beno(it)>>, when I order a fifty-dollar steak, there had better be at least a pound of beef on my plate. I don’t care if it is <<File(t) Mi(gn)o(n)>>. A one-inch wafer surrounded by six carrots is an appetizer.

Of course, <<Beno(it)>> is lost at this point because I didn’t explain myself in grams and centimeters. Which brings me to:

5) The Metric System. When will France finally catch up with the rest of the world and do away with this archaic system of weights and measures which hasn’t been of any use since:

6) Joan of Arc & Napoleon. A teenage girl and a "short dead dude." Leaders of pretty much the only successful military campaigns in French history. Apparently, standing below five feet ensured that the cannonballs went right over your head.

7) <<Basti(lle)>> Day. That great French victory. The day they fought valiantly and won independence from… the French.

8) World War II. Know why the French planted trees along the <<Cham(ps) Elyse(es)>>? So the Germans could march in the shade.

Okay, but enough about history. We all have skeletons in our closet. The present day French are still very silly with cultural items like:

9) Polka. (Insert your own joke here.)

10) Male Bikini-Bottom Bathing Suits. Sure it’s mostly the Canadian French on Daytona Beach with their packages on display and their bellies hanging over the waistband. But, they speak the language, so they can share in the guilt.

My eleventh point was going to be "Rude French Waiters", and well okay, pretty much "Rude French People", but hey, they did give us the Statue of Liberty, so I’m willing to overlook that one.

But wait a second. Didn’t we have to pay a whole crap-load of money out of our own pockets to restore that stinkin’ statue a few years back?

11) Rude French Waiters.

The clincher I saved for last. You all know them. You’ve all told them.

12) "Dumb Frenchman" Jokes. Oh sure in recent years, they’ve been disguised as "dumb blonde" jokes (another French conspiracy, no doubt), but everybody knows that it was really the Frenchman who drowned in his pickup truck because he couldn’t get the tailgate open. <<Auh hauh hauh!>>

My intention is not to insult the French. They’ve been through enough without me kicking them while they’re down. I seek only to expose France as the true warmonger in this world. They have stirred up discord not for oil or land, but for deliverance from witticism. But don’t they realize that their actions will only cause joking to increase, not decrease? The French need to understand that as long as their culture continues to be silly, the world will always mock them.

I beseech you, <<M(on)sie(ur) Chirac.>> War is never the answer.