© 2003 Brian Hodges - Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

think most people would agree that the news industry in this country is in sad shape. We really hit a low point a few years back and have been wallowing in a pothole of sensationalistic headlines, sex scandals and just plain stupid "human interest stories" ever since. (And yes, I am aware of the fact that one of my more recent hard-hitting articles was about the fact that my wife’s cats hate me.) A lot of people point to the Monica Lewinsky scandal as our nation’s journalistic low-point. Others look to the Hollywood-couldn’t-have-planned-it-better O.J. Simpson trial. For me however, the presses officially stopped one morning in mid-June of 2000 when the entire cast of NBC’s Today Show spent five whole minutes of airtime discussing the previous night’s Survivor – a CBS show.

Given that the only other tidbit of current events at the time was the ongoing Elian Gonzales debacle, I welcomed the respite. But still, I knew a dark day had descended when a mass communications giant was giving free advertising to its competitor under the guise of "news". Since then, the medium has failed to adequately report on anything other than car chases, presidential speech impediments and American idols. They still have not accurately conveyed the true gravity of the Israeli-Palestinian situation, nor have they realized that in the middle of a full-scale war, not every explosion constitutes breaking news. And let’s not kid ourselves, the recent goings on at the New York Times haven’t helped the cause any.

But, despite my criticisms, I do believe that the integrity of the American journalist is once again on the upswing. I have recently found myself with a new and profound respect for anchors, reporters and consultants at all levels of the industry. Day in and day out, they perform a function that I know I never could. Because I am physically incapable of saying the word "Monkeypox" without laughing.

I mean… Monkeypox! MONKEY! Monkey see, monkey do, Monkeypox! Hey hey, we’re the Monkeys, and people put the Monkeypox down. What do you get when you cross a monkey with a prairie dog? Monkeypox! Ooo-ooo-ooo--aah-aah-aah!!!

Seriously, how do they do it? In any given report on this most recent of diseases, the reporters and anchors must say the word "monkey" at least six times. Yet their faces remain straight and serious and somber as though they were discussing the stock market or a serial killer. It seems incredibly unnatural. The very design of the word alone, with that ending "ee" sound practically forces the mouth into a smile. How can they possibly remain so solemn? I mean come on… Monkey!

You can practically see their jaws clenching as they silently repeat their mantra, "I will not laugh. I will not smile. I am a professional. I will not laugh. I will not smile…" Is any career worth all that repressed emotion? Why in the world would they do such a thing to themselves?

I suppose we should also ask why in the world somebody would even name a disease (snicker) Monkeypox in the first place. I mean have you seen the pictures of what this thing does? It’s like Ebola’s whacked-out distant cousin. How do you give something like that such a cute name? You’d think Crocodilepox or Black Widow Spiderpox would have been more appropriate. Watch, this is probably the first of the seven apocalyptic vials of pestilence, and we went and named it Monkeypox. It’s never a good idea make light of God’s judgments, so we’d better be sure that when it comes to full body atomic boils, we don’t go around calling it Hyena Bumps. (snort) Hyena. But even if it does come to that, I’m sure all the reporters will still set their jaws dutifully in place on that middle "yee" – ever the consummate professionals.

Everybody has a list of jobs that for reasons of conscience or chutzpah, they could never perform. Trial lawyer, surgeon, Disney World character. I have never been so thankful as I am right now to not be making money as a reporter or anchor for a multi-billion-dollar news conglomerate. Writing funny stories on an alternative e-zine for no pay is much more my style. So for all the true blue laborers in the news media, I raise my glass to you for doing what the rest of us cannot.

But just so we’re crystal clear… Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!

Nothing huh?