© 2002 Brian Hodges - Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

really wish I had gone to M.I.T. to get a degree in Math and Science. Good thing their motto is, "It’s never too late." Or is that the High School Equivalency? Don’t get me wrong, I despised math as much as the next person. To this day, nobody has been able to adequately explain a single practical application for the quadratic formula. (Although, to be fair, the same can be said for explaining my film degree to my parents.) Still, I did get a 550 on my S.A.T. Math the third time around. I’d probably have to write a couple extra essays, but I’m sure I can slide in under M.I.T.’s remedial program. I’ll even blow off West Wing on Wednesday nights to give myself an extra hour to catch up on all the proofs I never learned in high school.

I’ll have to stay focused because my major will be "Chaos Theory." You know, that thing that Jeff Goldblum talked about in Jurassic Park where one minor event triggers another until eventually the outcome is entirely different than it would have been had the event never occurred. A butterfly flaps its wings in Japan then gets eaten by a frog instead of a pigeon in New York. I think Chaos Theory also involved something with fractals too. They’re probably like electrons, giving the butterflies energy to flap their wings.

Anyway, once I’m caught up on all my proofs and formulas, I’m sure it’ll be tempting to just take M.I.T.’s accelerated program so I can finish within two semesters. But I’ll still stick it out the full four years so I can learn how to make all the pie charts and stuff. I’m going to be a very committed Chaos Theologian, because it’s all leading to one ultimate goal.

My three-part plan after graduation is to get several million dollars from some big corporation that makes its money giving out grants. Then I’m going to buy a helicopter and hover above the Los Angeles freeway, videotaping the traffic. (I’ll put that film degree to work yet.) Next, I’m going to buy a lab where I’ll raise butterflies and analyze the fractals. That’ll probably take me a few years because analyzing is a big part of the scientific method. I should probably get two or three of those grants just to be safe. Once all the fractals are analyzed – and the butterflies, supercharged – I will prove my theory, which states:

"All traffic jams start with one car. One… individual… bastard car."

I’m going to carefully examine the reverse progress of each traffic jam. Every time a pair of brake lights goes on, I’ll figure out why. Back and back I’ll go until the fractals are eventually traced to the instigating car. Maybe some tree-hugger in a VW Beetle came to a complete stop for a squirrel crossing the freeway. His fractals caused a BMW to slam on its brakes and veer to the side, forcing a minivan up on two wheels… And so on and so on, until every car for miles has dropped suddenly from 65 to 2, causing butterflies in Japan to burst into flames.

Go Chaos Theory!

With my fractals firmly in place, I will then patent a Chaos Machine®, which will quickly process all the data I enter. Actually, I should probably make it so the machine can just analyze the videotape and enter the data itself. I don’t want to be crunching numbers for the rest of my life after all. I’ll just punch in the quadratic formula every couple of weeks and let the machine do the rest.

The end goal – and perhaps this is just a pipe dream – is to eventually identify all traffic jam instigators by their license plate. Their names and current photos would be broadcast on the nightly news right between sports and weather.

"The woman you are seeing is Maria Herrera. Maria is a seamstress for Fred Segal’s and the mother of Juan, age six and Jesus, age nine. Maria drives a 1997 Buick LeSabre, and just this morning became the cause of a twenty-mile backup after she merged without looking, while talking on her cell phone… And how’s this weekend’s forecast shaping up Lester?" My Chaos Machine® would also automatically send a videotape of the traffic jam to the instigator’s house with a digitally generated note attached: "JACKASS!"

If anybody is interested in obtaining first-look rights for this patent – or is willing to explain the quadratic formula to me – please contact me through this publication.