THE
HUMOR
COLUMN
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© 2004 Brian Hodges - Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
I know
all you political people are going to have a hard time with this,
but it’s really easy if you try. Republicans can claim that joggers pose an imminent threat to national
security. Democrats can
say the Bush administration is in bed with Big Sneakers. And Ralph Nader can fight for the consumer’s right to sit on his
lazy fat ass. See that?
Middle ground. Then
again, I know the marathon runners and 5K junkies are lacing up
their spikes to kick me in my sedentary backside. But let’s be honest, do you people seriously
like jogging – in and of itself?
If you didn’t get anything out of it like gold medals, cardiovascular
health or “personal pride,” would you still do it?
The next time you run a race, do me a favor and carry a little
mirror with you. Is that
the face of somebody who’s enjoying themself?
You want
an unbiased point of view? Look at kids. Unless somebody forces them, kids don’t do anything that isn’t fun.
Riding bikes, climbing trees, smoking cigarettes.
Nobody has to convince a kid do those things.
But have you ever seen a kid run for no reason?
Of course not, because it sucks.
Whenever you see a kid running, it’s because another kid
is trying to tag him or pummel him.
Man,
I didn’t think I would need to do so much campaigning on this topic.
I figured it was as obvious as voting for the French as the
silliest people on earth. Unfortunately there are always a few hardliners
who want to play partisan aerobics.
For the rest of us open-minded couch potatoes, let’s continue. The only
reason I bring this topic up is to pose an even deeper question.
In a country where everybody can agree that jogging sucks
big sweaty man breasts, why are people still buying treadmills?
I did
a quick Google search and discovered that in 2001, over two million
treadmills were sold in the United States. Two million! That’s like almost one whole percent of the
population. That would mean
that if things progressed in the same manner, by the end of the
century every person in America would own one! How can
that be in a place where, we’ve already established, everyone thinks
jogging sucks (I mean really sucks; sucks like a kid on a
Crazy Straw; sucks so bad it gives us hickeys)? Because obviously, the only thing that sucks worse than jogging,
is jogging and never actually getting anywhere. Treadmills,
Stair-Masters, Elliptical Trainers. Dennis Leary said it best: “Have we turned
into gerbils ladies and gentlemen?”
Dear God, the only thing that ever made jogging somewhat
tolerable was the fact that the scenery constantly changed.
Now you want to take the last shred of goodness out of something
that already sucks the shell off an ostrich egg?
People
of America, please hear me. Stop buying treadmills! You
don’t need them! First of
all, let’s be honest. That
treadmill spends more time as a coat rack than it does as a fitness
tool. Secondly, if you do feel the masochistic need
to jog, there’s something right outside your house called a ROAD! And guess what? It’s FREE! Can anybody
else hear two million people whining, “Well what about when it rains?” I’ve
got an answer to that. Are
you sure you want to hear it? When
it rains… DON’T JOG! I somehow
doubt you’re training for the Olympics, so missing a day won’t kill
you. Use the extra hour
to do something constructive. Read
a book, fix the sink, make love to your wife – provided she’s still
talking to you after you went and spent a thousand dollars on that
rowing machine. The time has come for change America. Let’s send a message to Big Fitness: “We refuse to run in place any longer!” Republicans, let’s melt those treadmills down into bullets and go invade some sovereign nation. Democrats, let’s go drop treadmills on the heads of the wealthiest one percent. Ralph Nader… actually nobody listens to you anyway, so never mind. |
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this election year, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find
a topic that doesn’t immediately ignite a debate.