© 2003 Brian Hodges - Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

he National Do Not Call Registry is finally a reality, but the battle isn't over. As is typical in America, lawyers are once again trying to reverse the roles of villain and victim. They want everybody (read: the Supreme Court) to feel sorry for the poor poor telemarketers whose industry will be devastated by the evil bourgeois class who want nothing more than to take a complete crap without being interrupted. Yes, the telemarketers of America are suing the FCC, calling the list unconstitutional and demanding that it be thrown out. For now, it seems as though nobody in any power position is taking them too seriously. Surprisingly, even the ultra-left, who usually foam at the mouth over these cases of moral ambiguity, have largely left the issue alone.

See, this is all old hat for me at this point. I signed up for the list in Pennsylvania where it went into effect over a year ago. And amazingly, it really has worked. But the added silence hasn't filled my life with the extra minutes of happiness they promised. With nobody calling, I am still paying the same old ten cents per minute on all my long-distance calls. With nobody calling, I haven't received any free gifts with trial memberships that I cancel after a month anyway. And with nobody calling, I have had no outlet (or catharsis) for the insufferable jackass in me… and I'm starting to bubble over.

Oh, you know what I'm talking about. I got the idea, like many others, from that Seinfeld episode where Jerry asks the telemarketer for his home phone number. "Oh so I guess you don't like people calling you at home? Well now you know how I feel." I realized that I no longer had to spend precious minutes listening to rehearsed sales pitches, or feeling like a bastard for hanging up on people. I could make the telemarketers feel just as uncomfortable as they were making me - without them knowing for sure if I was really being a jerk. I played so many roles that I could never - would never - pull off in real life.

THEM: Mister Hodges, are you happy with your long distance plan?

ME: …Bambi, I need you to bend over farther and arch your back for the camera sweetheart… I'm sorry sir, what were you saying…? No Bambi, arch your back!"

THEM: Have you considered upgrading to Utracom DSL?"

ME: "I am to for now to go and to Jennifer Lopez for me on the boat for stand to because that is on Spongebob to what they said when it was for, okay?"

THEM: We're offering you six free issues of Playboy.

ME: Just make sure there ain't no blacks and no Mexicans. I don't like looking at no naked Mexicans.

THEM: Does your job currently offer health insurance?

ME: "Oh, I don't need health insurance honey. Cuz I've got JE-sus. Do you know JE-sus?"

(Or if I get a call handed off from my wife):

THEM: Sir, we're calling to offer you a-

ME: "Woman didn't I tell you never to put me on no phone with no damn salespeople!" (SMACK-SMACK-SMACK-CLICK)

Oh there was a lot of fun to be had. I miss those days. I'm kind of hoping the telemarketers do win their lawsuit. It was just too easy to sign up for that list. I didn't think it through completely and now I don't know how to get my name removed. If anybody knows a way, please contact me through this website.

The election is next year and I just know this issue is going to come up. Oh maybe not directly. But Lord knows the Democrats are going to go after the president for however many millions of jobs are lost over this bill which he has signed. I just hope the pundits check out John Kerry and Howard Dean to see if they've signed up for the list and (ha!) call them on it.

If you support George Bush at all, I urge you do not sign up for this list until after the election. Instead, pick up your phone when it rings, keep all those telemarketers gainfully employed and have a little fun on their dime.

Bush/Cheney in 2004! Bling! Bling! 'Scuse me, that's the phone.