© 2003 Brian Hodges - Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

became an uncle again last weekend. Lauren and I headed up to Jersey on Saturday night when we heard her sister Lisa's water had broke (broken?) and hung out with her and her husband Tim until it was time to go to the hospital. Now, I always thought that saying, "My water just broke," was tantamount to, "Sweetheart, unless you want the back seat of your car ruined, you will take me to the hospital right now!" As it turned out Lisa had another nine hours to watch the clock and write down the timing of each and every contraction.

I also always figured, as did Lisa - as does every other woman and man who has never given birth - that the water breaking was kind of a one-time event. It breaks, it all falls out, there's a sploosh, she wets her pants, the husband laughs, she grabs him by the thumb and bends it back to his elbow. But, when Lauren and I arrived at the house, Lisa was sitting on a chair with multiple towels between her legs. Apparently each contraction was forcing more and more… you know… out. Lisa's pipe dreams of being able to walk around during labor went right out the proverbial amniotic window.

As many loyal readers (read: Mom and Dad) know, my wife Lauren is also a midwife. So, I consider myself somewhat of a second-hand expert on the whole birthing process. I must hear the word "vagina" in this house more times per week than Larry Flynnt. I know things about pregnancy and labor that would cause even the most baby-crazy women to renew their prescriptions for the Pill. Because there are things that they simply do not tell you in health class - or even in Lamaze class. Things that I really shouldn't describe in public, as you may be eating your morning bagel right now. Sufficed to say, I thought I was prepared for every pregnancy or labor contingency.

But Lauren never told me about the progressive and continual breaking of water. It makes me scared to wonder what else she's neglected to tell me. What other rude shocks will I be in for when we start having kids?

We did our best to keep Lisa's mind occupied and off of the pain of each contraction. I tried to be funny and keep the mood light, but had to stop when each laugh precipitated another contraction. "Knock it off!" Lisa finally said through a laugh and a grunt.

After going through about her fifth towel, Lisa made the comment that she was going to have to switch to paper towels soon. Which prompted Tim to suggest that this would be a great ad campaign for Bounty. "Just one sheet can handle a whole uterus of fluid. Bounty! It's the quicker-picker-upper." That only made Lisa laugh harder and throw her pen at him. Though she did have to admit it was a good idea. After all, women do tend to be the ones who buy the paper towels. All the moms would certainly identify. So Bounty, if you're interested in purchasing the rights, please contact me through this website.

By midnight everybody, including Lisa had started to dose, so I went downstairs to watch TV. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and woke up around six o'clock to Lauren saying, "It's time. We're taking Lisa to the hospital." Fortunately "we" did not mean "me." So I lay back down. A few minutes later, I could hear Lisa moaning at the top of the stairs on her gradual way out the house. I was half-tempted to stomp up there, give her a bad look and say, "People are trying to sleep down here!" But for as much of a laugh as I was going to get out of it, I decided it just wasn't worth the trip.

Lisa finally gave birth at one one-twelve that afternoon. Her father and brother and I were at home eating subs and watching the Red Sox game right around the time she was delivering the placenta. We weren't sure whether or not to feel guilty.

But, after many many many hours of hard labor (and only one shot of drugs), Lisa and Tim are now the proud parents of their second little girl, Emily Faith. She's beautiful. Adorable. Still a bit wrinkly. Though not that bad when you consider how much water she'd apparently been living in.

CONGRATULATIONS TIM AND LISA. -LOVE BRIAN.