More fun with webstats

Well it’s that time again for more fun with webstats. For those who don’t know what this is all about, basically whenever I’m extremely bored yet without the actual brain and creative capacity to write anything of substance, I peruse the statistics for my website and find the most ridiculous and asinine search phrases that people have typed into Google or other search engines that ultimately led them to my website. See previous results HERE.

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“the cheap way to have an inground basketball hoop” – Maybe if this guy had loosened the purse strings a bit, he’d have found what he was looking for. Instead he ended up at my blog with Tag You’re Gone

“who sings a song boobs” – I’m not exactly sure what this guy was really looking for, but he ended up reading a story about me singing karaoke and watching other guys try to get girls to show their boobs during My Night On Bourbon Street

“find the definition of the slang word mook” – I always find it amusing when people type full sentences into search engines, like they're giving Google a command. “Come on Google, go get it now.” Well, I’m sure this guy got his answer - and more than he bargained for - with my humor column, When Niggers Were Jerks and Faggots Were Sissies.

“price is right contestant aggravates bob barker” – Goodness, has anyone ever seen Bob Barker get aggravated? Me neither, which is why this person ended up here, and only because of two completely unrelated blogs on my Societal Dissection page.

“spraying marijuana with Sprite” – Was this guy looking for some new funny YouTube video or is this a little known growing aid for that magic little plant? Either way this guy didn’t find his information when he read the blog, Feed Me… Does it have to be human? Feed Me… Does it have to Be Sprite?”

“what’s the matter with phil mickelsons head” – I don’t know, but when he blew his final series of shots during last year’s U.S. Open he made mine and a whole bunch of other TV people’s day. It was most exciting I’ve ever seen a golf event get. Now if only there had been naked women at stake.

“topless beer brewing” – Too bad for this guy I made only an off-hand comment about a topless bar in my humor column The Drinking Habits of Beer Snobs. I’m sure the topic he was searching for was much more interesting than the crap I wrote.

“narrative essay about the day the aliens landed” – I hate to be the one to break this to you my friend, but there are no aliens. There is however something To Whet Your Appetite about Stephen Spielberg's aliens in a blog about my trip to Devil’s Tower.

“very tiny penis girlfriend” – Okay, do you want to know about your girlfriend's tiny penis, or are you trying to gauge your girlfriend’s response to yours? Doesn’t matter because all you actually read about was My Night on Bourbon Street.

“big butts road trip” – Seriously why do these people even click on my page? This guy was apparently looking up a series of porn movies involving… well the search criteria pretty much explains it all. And yet he still clicked on the intro to my Road Trip because of a line about how “one town butts up against the next.” Silly perverts.

“philly pops pimples on her penis” – This is perhaps my favorite and most disturbing one. I’m sorry… HER penis? And what’s more disturbing is that, thanks to two completely unrelated blogs (one involving bubble wrap and the other involving my daughter informing a hot mom about the anatomical differences between boys and girls) my Really Cute Story blog page shows up on the first Google search page in amongst links for STD treatment centers and acne medications.

“vortex in Pennsylvania”­ – Oh my God, somebody else noticed it too, that the area we live in is home to a strange and mysterious Generation vorteX where people between the age of 25 and 35 simply do not exist?

“quadratic formula nigger”­ – Geez, I didn’t realize mathematicians were such racists. Well thanks to two more unrelated stories, he found my Humor Column Archives. Hopefully he learned to hate a little less and use his graphing calculator a little more.

“twenty man orgy” – Yet again, what’s most disturbing is that a page from my Road Trip shows up on the FIRST Google page for this query. Why people would click on MY page when the rest of the results were so obviously what they were looking for is once again beyond me.

“vacant stare generation” – Wow, what a great name for a bunch of idiot kids who don’t even know what a Yellow Pages is, as I found out while looking for The Games We Play.

“did anybody on saved by the bell smoke pot” – Nah, those Bayside kids would never sink so low. That was for all those losers over at Valley. Of course, if they’d gone to my high school and been involved with our High School Groupings, things might have been different.

“smoking paper towel inhale” – Really? Truly? Somebody else thought to try this too? You mean it wasn’t just me and my lame idea during My Days as a Smoker?

“horses are for sissies” – Some anti-cowboy surfer apparently wanted somebody to back him up on this one. Instead he learned about the good old days When Niggers were Jerks and FAGGOTS were Sissies.

“eye patch gay hairy” – Yikes, what kind of pirate porn was this guy looking for? Doesn’t he know you can see that stuff for free if you go to the Renaissance Faire like I did in Campfires, Wenches and Interstate Tourists?

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Ah, that’s always fun. Hope you enjoyed it too and that it opened you up to some writing you might have previously overlooked. Okay, back to work.