Hey, she could have said "schlong"

We’ve been getting Allison ready for what it’s going to be like when her baby brother, Jesse, arrives sometime in the next month. We, of course, are having a homebirth, so we’ve been telling her how mommy is going to be yelling and crying and making grunting noises, but that she’ll be okay because she’s just pushing Jesse out of her belly. Beyond that, we’re preparing her for what it’s going to be like with a new baby in the house, mainly the idea that he’s going to cry a lot and mommy is going to be giving him milk (which Allison calls “mooky”) to make him feel better. For the longest time Allison, who has been weaned for months now, kept telling us that she was going to share mooky with Jesse; “Jesse get ‘dis side and I get ‘dis side.” But we’ve finally gotten her to realize that, no, Jesse gets both sides and Allison gets chocolate milk and macaroni and smoothies and granola bars and yogurt raisins and stuff like that.

The one last thing we’ve been preparing her for is how Jesse is going to look different than she does, because Jesse is a boy and Allison is a girl. So we tell her, “You have a tushy, but Jesse is going to have a penis.” (I don’t know why we euphemized the girl parts and not the boy parts. “Penis” is just a cuter word than “vagina” I guess.) So she’s gotten really good at understanding the differences between boys and girls – since mommy is a girl, she has a tushy, but daddy and Jesse have a penis.

Well it was bound to happen eventually. I was at the playground with Allison a few days ago. She was on the swings when this older girl (four or five I guess) came over and wanted to give her a push. Pretty soon they were playing and talking and Allison told her she had a baby brother named Jesse. The girl brought Allison over to see her own baby sister who was sitting in her detachable car seat on one of the benches. Her mom was there and the little girl told her all about how Allison has a baby brother. I clarified and said, “Well, almost. He’s going to come out sometime around Christmas.” The mom… I’m sorry, let me clarify… the very hot mom and I started talking about all the stupid random things parents talk about, laughing and joking and whatnot while Allison and her daughter ran around playing together.

Well at one point they came back to look at the baby again and Allison said, “That’s your brother.” I corrected her, telling her that that was the girl’s sister because she was a girl. I then made the mistake of adding on, “But Jesse is going to be your brother because he is a boy.”

Do you already know where I’m going with this? Allison, well coached at this point, looked up at the mom (don’t forget, she was quite hot) and told her, “Jesse has a penis and daddy has a penis.”

The hot mom nodded her head and said the only thing a hot mom can say after receiving that type of information, “Um… oh… well… good…”

I think I handled myself well though. Rather than get embarrassed, or scold Allison for something that, let’s face it, we’ve been putting into her head and praising her for when she says it back to us, I looked the hot mom dead in the eye, and with no sense of irony whatsoever, said, “Yeah, you know, important information to have.”

Important information to have??? I’ve had several days to think over that response, and as dumb as it sounded at the time I have not been able to think of a better one that wouldn’t make it seem like I was trying to cover up some kind of illicit incestual pedophilia going on at home. Deadpan acknowledgement (of the fact that we were passing along important information to our daughter, not of illicit incestual pedophilia) was the best I could come up with. But you want to know what I’ve really been thinking about? Had I been a single dad (or a scumbag husband for that matter) and she had been a single mom (or again, I had just been a scumbag who didn’t care), I think I could have used that embarrassing little exchange as an icebreaker to try and… what’s the phrase they’re using these days… oh yeah – hit that. I really think it would have worked. I think if I was ever in that position where I was actually using my kid to pick up chicks, I would make sure to coach them so they’d just bring up penises in conversation. Mind you, I always have been a total dork when it comes to picking up women, so I’m not sure what my follow up line would have been to the whole tour de force “important information” opener. But hey, at least I’d have had a foothold.

Am I right ladies? Yeah you know it.