Four years and counting

July is a good month for celebrating independence and national identity. Of course there’s July 4, our own Independence Day. There’s July 1, which is when Canadians celebrate the formation of their country. And today, July 14 is Bastille Day, an important holiday for the French, marking the day those military geniuses, rose up and declared their independence from… France. The only reason I even remember the date of this particular French holiday is because July 14 also marks the day Lauren and I joined forces and became husband and wife in 2002.

That’s four years, man. FOUR YEARS! I’ve been married for as long as I was in college. Longer actually when you realize that college doesn’t even last a full four years. I make this comparison a lot when I’m weighing units of time. This drives Lauren nuts sometimes because it makes it seem like I’m constantly living in the past. But my reasoning for this particular comparison is simple. College was an all-encompassing time in my life that seemed to go on forever. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, like it was some inexorable chore that I just couldn’t get out of. I just mean that during those four years, it seemed like the entire world was in college. And when you’re surrounded by that many people all in the same station of life, you could swear that phase is never going to end. But it does end and you do eventually move on.

When comparing things to that sense of time, it does not feel like four years has passed since I said, “I do.” Then again… does it? Consider what Lauren and I have done since that day: three different apartments and soon to be a fourth; a graduate degree from an Ivy League school for Lauren; a job in Avid tech support for me which has taken me all over the country; a slowly budding writing career; a job at a birth center for Lauren where she routinely catches babies in her bare feet; an awesome road trip; two trips to Hawaii; the death of a beloved cat; the birth of two nieces, several friends’ babies, our own daughter and another baby already on the way… hell, I even grew a beard! Consider the new things we’ve learned about since that day: midwifery; homeopathy; attachment parenting; vaccine theory; cloth diapers; organic foods; how to make our own peanut butter; theories of evolution; chiropractic care; where to find really good coffee; satellite radio… some of my favorite bands today, I didn’t even know about four years ago.

When I think of our marriage in those respects, then yes, I guess it’s very easy to believe that it’s been four years. I look at who we were and what we thought and talked about back then and so much of it is different today. We’ve grown in ways I never would have imagined four years ago, and what’s more, we’ve grown together. I mean that in both senses of the word. I mean that we’ve grown in these things alongside one another. But I also mean we’ve grown closer… grown into each other. I’d only had one other long-term relationship before being with Lauren, and the longer we were together the more things stagnated. I thought those couples who said, “We love each other more and more as each day passes,” were just regurgitating lines from romance movies. How could you possibly love somebody more the longer you were together? It seemed to me that the longer you were with somebody, the less there was to learn about them and the more boring and stale the relationship had to become. But with Lauren, all those old preconceived notions have been turned on their head. Sure, as each day goes by there is less for us to learn about who the other person was and used to be, but in place of that we have constantly reinvented ourselves and who we are together through common experiences and newly acquired knowledge. We haven’t allowed our relationship to go stale because we haven’t allowed our lives to go stale. And that’s the key. But I do think the cliché movie line is a little bit misleading. “More” is the wrong word. I love Lauren deeper today than I did four years ago. As we grow together, I find myself loving her in ways I didn’t know I could love back then. It’s such a strange and intangible feeling and I wish I could explain it better than that.

A lot of single people out there have a really screwed up vision of what marriage is. They view marriage as the death certificate to their own independence and identity. And honestly it’s not their fault. There are a lot of married couples who fuel that stereotype of jaded, loveless, co-dependent, miserable people who have lost all sense of who they are to the marriage and subsequent parenthood. But honestly I have found my own marriage to be quite the opposite. I have found more freedom in my life with Lauren than I ever had alone. We support each other. We help each other. We lift the other one up when they’re down and make sure they don’t give up. Rather than losing all sense of who I am, I have found myself growing in ways I never considered – aided, challenged and encouraged by the one who has vowed to walk with me through good times and bad. Yes, part of my identity includes the suffix, and Lauren. Part of my independence means conferring with Lauren for major decisions. And yes there is a certain degree of co-dependence, but it’s a dependence that comes with a sense of security, knowing that that person will be there when I get home at the end of the day and will stand with me in all things.

I’d be lying if I said there weren’t aspects of my single days that I miss. I miss the parties, the late nights out, and “the chase” (even though I rarely “caught” anything). I miss being able to just throw a backpack into my car and drive out to the desert on a moment’s notice without having to check in with anybody back home. There are always certain things you have to… maybe not give up completely, but at least alter to fit any new station in life you enter. But hopefully you find new things to not only fill the void of what got left behind, but actually overflow it. Sure I miss certain things about being single, but I know that I wouldn’t be half the man I am today had Lauren not been by my side this entire time. While we have our share of problems like any other couple, there is definitely far more good here than bad and it’s made the last four years pass with excitement rather than boredom.

So it’s on this day that I, along with France, celebrate my independence and constantly evolving identity with the woman who I love and will continue to love for the rest of my life.

Happy Anniversary, baby!