Fun with Webstats

It's a slow day at work today and I've been perusing the stats for my website. Of particular interest to me are the phrases people type into search engines that bring them to my site. Here are some of my favorites and the pages I can only assume it linked them to.

===============================

"fag test" - I can't believe there are other people out there who actually remember the fag test, but they were in good company reading my tongue-in-cheek column, When "Niggers" Were Jerks and "Faggots" were Sissies.

"nigger humor" - I'm honestly appalled that there are people out there who would actually type this into a search engine, but I assume it brought them to the same piece.

"Jerry Stiller hernia" - I find it funny that people find this interesting enough to look up. What's funnier still is that due to two completely unrelated entries on my old What's New Blog, they found my site.

"dewey decimal kama sutra" - To the dirty librarian who typed this one, all I can say is "Yeah Baby", and come look me up as soon as you're done reading Dewey Decimal Surfing.

"what is a pre-op enema" - I don't know what they told you, but it's all gonna be just fine my friend, I promise you. In the meantime Pick a Weird Al Title and cheer up.

"quadratic formula humor" - I can't tell you how happy it makes me that there are other people in the world who find the quadratic formula just as funny as I did in my column Fractals and Traffic Jams.

"tiny penis girls laughed" - Hang in there buddy. It's not how big it is. It's how small YOU are. We all know that. But that doesn't stop the girls from being cruel the way I learned on My Night on Bourbon Street does it?

"how to play tag gool" - I'm so happy I'm not the only one who recognizes the word "gool" and the fact that all is fair In Love and Tag.

"sugar tree raking balls" - I honestly don't know what this phrase means, and when you put them into your search engine without quotation marks it brings you to After the Foilage where every word is used, but not in the context (or order) this phrase conjures up.

"bathrooms along route 160 new mexico" - Um... okay... so... I know we use the internet to look up pretty much everything these days... but honestly... If you're on a Road Trip, let's just leave a few things to our sense of discovery.

"girls sucking on pee pees" - I particularly love this special brand of pervert who wants to see pictures of girls giving head, but doesn't actually want to come right out and say words like d---, c--- or schl---. Either way, again thanks to an unfortunate combination of words that had nothing to do with each other, this poor soul wound up at my Humor Column Archives. Sorry to disappoint dude.

"f--- kathy hodges" and "lauren hodges f---ing" - I don't know who Kathy Hodges is or why this guy was intersted in f---ing her and my wife, but I'm sure he was disappointed to wind up reading my very tender essay about The Day Allison Was Born

"the simple lifestyles of hippie tree huggers" - Ah yes those simple hippies and their trees. But once again, multiple unrelated words on a page add up to another inadvertant hit to my Humor Column Archives.

"spongy carrots" - I don't know what's more amazing - that somebody was actually trying to look up spongy carrots, or that my Hot Lunch Uprising came up almost number one on a google search of it.

====================================


Ah the joys of essentially useless technology in the hands of a bored man whose boss is away. Hope you had as much fun as I did.